Rejection
By Angela Hilton, Syndicated by Bin Day Blues
Angela Hilton delves into our deepest fears and insecurities, that can lead to prolonged periods of darkness. However, is it possible that rejection be transformed into an advantage? Hilton explores this through her personal journey, revealing how a devastating job rejection prompted self-reflection, renewed confidence, and new opportunities. This insightful piece provides three valuable lessons for anyone grappling with rejection.
Rejection. It really hurts. It knows how to tap into all our fears, anxieties, histories and insecurities. It can bring you down so low that you can no longer see the light and it can take months, years to recover from. But, can we use rejection to our advantage?
I recently had the opportunity to witness my own relationship with rejection. Like most people my adult life has had its fair share from Universities, partners, friends, credit card companies (why this hurts so much I don’t know!) and of course jobs.
The dead certain opportunity
Earlier this year a vacancy opened up in the team that looked perfect for me and would have meant that all elusive promotion. I was feeling good, I’d delivered products in difficult circumstances and where others hadn’t, I’d turned squads around and into highly productive delivery teams. I’d built relationships with other practices, senior leaders and other areas of the business. I’d spent time coaching less experienced Agile practitioners in the team. I’d developed a love and passion for the functional area and on top of all that I had years of experience in previous companies. I knew I had the experience, enthusiasm and the results to take that step.
I spent weeks preparing: the application form; interview prep. I’d never prepared so well for any interview. I was so sure.
Familiar ground
I was devastated when I didn’t get the job. This rejection really stung. I felt numb, empty, helpless. My self-esteem was knocked, confidence dipped and of course my imposter syndrome had a field day. I asked for feedback to be told ‘he (the successful candidate) was just what we wanted’. I could only assume that meant I wasn’t what they wanted.
My past experience told me that I was now in a dangerous place. Rejection has sent me into very dark places with weeks of self-deprecating thought cycles, sadness and depression all culminating in the resignation ‘what was I thinking, I was never good enough’. I was, therefore, surprised that on this occasion something rallied inside me, an unfamiliar feeling that I later concluded must have been ‘confidence’.
Options
Taking the feedback on board I figured that I had 3 choices:
1. I could change to be more like the person they had promoted. (But I believe in authenticity)
2. I could do nothing. (But I was frustrated.)
3. I could look elsewhere. (That was a scary prospect.)
I had been feeling frustrated in my role for some time, I knew I wasn’t working to my full potential and I absolutely knew that I had more to give. In previous roles I had managed large teams, managed product portfolios, worked strategically at a national and international levels and even held my own budget. I knew I wasn’t being challenged and I had become bored and really only scary option 3 was viable.
Who even am I?
I spent time honestly evaluating myself: my skills, what experience I had to offer, what I wanted to learn next and what else could a role offer me? I thought about who I was, what could I give, what I needed in return? Then I applied for roles that balanced those things and it wasn’t long before I had multiple really good opportunities to consider. I’m now really looking forward to starting my new adventure.
Learning
I have learned so much from this experience and I hope these 3 key points can help others especially if you usually let rejection define you:
Don’t deny the feelings.
Rejection hurts but do allow yourself to feel it then look for ways to not let it overwhelm you. The next 2 points may help with that.Don’t take rejection or feedback personally.
It would have been so easy to take both personally, I usually do, but an interview is a 2-way process and both parties need to agree. It’s really important to remember though that just because one place doesn’t see you as a fit it doesn’t mean that you won’t fit perfectly somewhere else.Honestly evaluate and believe in yourself.
What experience and skills do you have but also, what gaps do you have and do you want to fill them? What do you really want to do next and what can you give that role? What would you like to learn next and where could you learn it?
Rejection doesn’t need to define us or our next steps. It hurts and is never pleasant, but it can also be an opportunity to learn things about ourselves, take stock and really think about options. You may run through the same options and decide it’s best to change, or to do nothing, and those are perfectly fine options, but look at those choices and make a self-informed decision.